June 2010
57 posts
6 tags
Man vs Artist #52 (Traditional Leather Piñata)
Man and Art have moved house. They sit down to a scotch and brandy and cigars by their new fireplace (in Versusshire, a place that doesn’t really have heatwaves)
Man: Boy, that move was sure was tough.
Artist: Tell me about it, I had to leave my girl back in Versusville.
Man: Did you tell her about the new job? About the guy who thinks your art isn’t original, isn’t as...
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Man vs Heatwave (Man vs Artist #52) (All you gotta...
A heat wave has overcome Versus Ville.
Heatwave: I’m hot.
Artist: Yeah, well I’m cool.
Man: Oh well then, I guess I just get bollocks and straight up lose then?
Artist: No… You do get to sweat profusely.
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Man vs Artist #51 (Hang 10)
Man: I got some cream chargers for Cupcake night.
Artist: Nangs!
Man: Excuse me?
Artist: Nang’s is what I know those little smurfs as. Infact, I’ve never made whipped cream with them once in my life..
Man: But you said you had used them before!
Artist: Oh, I’ve used them alright…
Man: But how?
Artist: i once had a nang and saw into the future, just for a few...
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Artist vs Man {trying to be an artist} (Man vs...
Artist walks into his studio to find man working on one of his largest canvases, in a combination of the most shockingly disgusting combination of colors he had ever seen.
Artist: What the hell are you doing?
Man: *stops suddenly, shoot a glace upward, clearly trying to conceal his doings*
Artist: Dude, those are my best oils. Start talking…
Man: Look, I’ve been trying to prove...
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Man vs Artist # 49 (Horn Section)
Artist: I painted you something.
Man: Really, what?
Artist: Your Driver’s License.
Man: What for?
Artist: Im the artist here, I’m the actor. I just do the acting. You do the reacting.
Man: *Expressionless and Speechless*
Artist: That’s honestly all you’re going to give me? God it was hardly worth painting at all.
*drops replica, wallet sized Mona Lisa on the ground...
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Man vs Artist #48 (Garden Hose)
Man: There is no spoon.
Artist: There is no spoon?
Man: Yes, There is no spoon.
Artist: You would be right. I don’t see any spoons around here so you must be talking to me.
Man: I am, because I am the Walrus.
Artist: Wow I didn’t…
Man: Do you want to know a secret?
Artist: You can’t handle the truth!
Man: …
Artist: I didn’t forget the game.
Man: What...
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Man vs Artist #47 (Snake Eye's)
Man: Dude I just got some Pistachio gelato from the store. I know it is your favourite, I’ll just put it in the… Hey wait, where did it go?
Artist: *happily devours pistachio gelato*
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Artist vs Bottle of Water (Man vs Artist #45)...
Artist: Oh wonder of nature, I will drink you, and you will sustain life within me.
Bottle of Water: Indeed I shall, but, I shall also remain tasteless and mineral-full.
Artist: It is all apart of your wonder.
Bottle of Water: I am but a few electrons away from being an apple. My flavor comes with foresight.
Artist: I will walk with you.
Bottle of Water: I shall contain myself.
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Artist vs The Multiverse (Man vs Artist #44)...
Artist: Who are you?
Artist: I’m you, but from the past. You must be me, but from the future…
Artist: Wow, where are you from?
Artist: I’m Artist from Post #27, what about you?
Artist: I’m Artist from post #44, the title is a dead give away to what is happening here…
Artist: Oh really, what’s the title? Mine is ‘Spectrum’
Artist: Oh yeah, I...
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Artist vs Telephone Salesman (Man vs Artist #43)...
*phone rings*
Artist: Hello?
Telephone Salesman: Hi, my name is Sylvest…
*beep…. beep…. beep…. beep….*
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Artist vs Scientist (Man vs Artist #42)...
Artist: Hey, youre a scientist right?
Scientist: yeah, how could you tell?
Artist: The electrons culinary your head was a dead give away, my friend.
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Man vs Telephone Salesman (Man vs Artist # 41)...
*phone rings*
Man: Hello?
Telephone Salesman: Hi, my nameis Sylvester and I’m from Car Tax Sales Insurance Partners Incorporated and I was wondering if you had a spare moment or two…
Man: *checks watch* Uhhh, Yeah I guess ive got a few minutes, what can I do for you?
*12 minutes later…* {man grows concerned of how to end the conversation this far in}
Telephone Salesman:...
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Man vs Artist #40 (Harold)
Artist: I met a guy called Harold today.
Man: Oh really, what does he do?
Artist: … What does he do??
Man: Yeah… What does he do?
Artist: Well, it’s not like we spoke about anything else. We just had that 30 second conversation about what ‘we do’ and went about our separate ways. Thus, me being the dullest person in the world as to bring up ‘Harold’ to...
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Man vs Artist #39 (Venison)
Artist and Man sit down for a luxurious meal at a local prestigious restaurant. They get a table due to Art’s artist repertoire.
Artist: This rabbit is a bit too ‘game-y’
Man: no i will not ‘gay you’
Artist: *stares furiously into Man’s cognitive abilities*
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Man vs Artist #38 (Mirror, Mirror)
Man: Art, do you like this shirt I got?
Artist: Kinda, its just plain white, where’s it from?
Man: does it matter?
Artist: do you want an answer to your question?
Man: will the place of purchase really change your opinion of the shirt?
Artist: Well, if you bought that piece of cloth down at “Wanker Square” then, yes, because that should not be worth more that free.
Man: It...
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Man vs Artist #37 (Cabbage)
Man: You know those guys, who you never really knew, or got to know, but were always forced to be updated of their comings and goings due to collaborative social networking?
Artist: Sure. But for me, the internet is enough of a distraction to ride a different lane on that freeway long enough until I’m in sleep city.
Man: But don’t you always end up back at (social networking site of...
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Man vs Artist #36 (Bowling)
Man: So how did that personal experiment go the other day?
Artist: what do you mean?
Man: The sound of me, aging? What did I sound like.
Artist: None of your business. But if you must know, a inhaling through a harmonica.
Man: Are you serious?
Artist: Yes, Man. I’m serious. This is unbelievable.
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Man vs Artist #35 (Positivity)
Artist: Dude, I got a bag of oreos thrown at me in the supermarket by an elderly woman because I had been using resin on my canvas’ yesterday and I wore the same overalls into the supermarket.
Man: It’s cool man, I’ve been subjected to auto-erotic asphyxiation before too… I mean… :| Auto-Oreo asphixiation. I meant oreo, obviously…
Artist: Man, I’m not...
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Man vs Artist #34.4 (Eclectic Twins)
Man: Hey so…
Artist: Shhh, I’m trying to hear you age.
Man: What? That’s creepy. Why are you attempting such a thing.
Artist: Personal Experiment, just stay out and stay silent.
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Man vs Artist #34 (Next)
Artist: Hey, Man! I was just down at the covered markets and I walked past this girl and the first time she gave me a smile, you know, a considerate, conventional passer by smile, and then I got lost in the markets cuz I was thinking about her eyes from a distance were still so green, i mean forest… anyway, I find my way back to the stairs, and I see her again and she gitters with glee, and...
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Man vs Artist #33 (Ex-Pat)
Artist: you wanna come to the art gallery with me?
Man: I don’t.
Artist: Alright, so I just got a new iPhone, can I have your number?
Man: Look, I don’t understand why you’re being like this. It’s making me confused and upset.
Artist: Why I asked you to the gallery or because I’m asking for your iPhone number?
Man: I don’t have time for this.
Artist: Is...
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Artist vs Artist: Ford Davis: Unedited Facebook... →
5:58:41 PM Angus Truskett: wanna do a sick email interview this week for my BLOG re: Betty airs? 5:58:53 PM Darren Cross: fuck yeah 5:59:07 PM Angus Truskett: awes 5:59:37 PM Darren Cross: lets do it know 5:59:41 PM Darren Cross: now 5:59:48 PM Angus Truskett: ok 5:59:49 PM Angus…
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Man vs Artist #33 (3+3 is a house - a window.)
Artist wakes up and looks into his backyard. There are a group of birds gathered around the bird bath. After a moment of peaceful birdwatching, there is a knock at the door.
*knock at the door*
Artist: come in, Man.
Man: What are you doing?
Artist: I just woke up, was enjoying the view. There are birds in our bird bath…
Man: Art, we’re on a cruise. We’re at sea. and...
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Man vs Artist #32 (David Mitchell's Most...
Man sits in an arm chair, claiming to be reading The Bible.
Artist: What you reading?
Man: The Bible.
Artist: Oh right… What gospel?
Man: Says here… The Gospel of ‘Chicken Parmigiana’.
Artist: Oh yeah? What was the last tome of wisdom that struck you from above, then?
Man: The part where the cheese melts over the tomato covered schnitzel.
Artist: I’m almost...
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Man vs Artist #31 (9)
Artist is drawn into the room by Man, who is whistling a reasonably catchy, albeit familiar tune.
Man: *whistling*
Artist: Whats that tune?
Man: I made it up.
Artist: *awestruck*
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Man vs Artist #30 (Ricket)
Artist: I spend all night working on rewiring my drum machine and racks through to my mixing program and when I woke up, I realized that every track i recorded had maxed out the counters and my diverse orchestral electronic jungle noise was just plain noise… I worked for hours on it…
Man: Konichiwa!
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Man vs Artist #29 (The Vine)
Man and Artist sit down to enjoy a glass of wine together. They each bring their own bottle.
Man: I think this glass is dirty…
Artist: Why do you say that?
Man: Well, this wine smells like piss. I’m afraid the cleanliness, or lack there of, of the glass is inhibiting it’s quantifiable aroma.
Artist: Where did you buy the bottle?
Man: Waitrose.
Artist: How much did you...
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Man vs Artist #28 (Trousers)
Artist: You never say anything interesting. It’s always questions and situations with you.
Man: Whats that supposed to mean?
Artist: Exactly.
Man: Look, I’ve got work to do. I’ve got to finish this paper on Lima Beans.
Artist: So do I, but I’m the only one of us that can see the necessity to revamp your persona.
Man: My persona is ingrained in the history of man kind,...
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Man vs Artist #27 (Spectrum)
Man: Come over here I want to see what color eyes you have.
Artist: *walks across the room, wide-eyed*
Man: Ooh, you have Green eyes.
Artist: They’re not green. They’re forest.
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Man vs Artist #26 (Coloquialism)
Man: Wanna hear a joke?
Artist: Sure.
Man: What do you call a mathema…
Artist: Pythonagorus.
Man: *silence*
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Man vs Artist #25.5 (Measurement)
Man: Clean up your stuff, we’ve got people coming to inspect the house.
Artist: What do you mean ‘clean up’?
Man: Well, There’s drop sheets in every room except my room and you’ve started making that sculpture out of solidified pasta not to mention the egg shell helmets for the mice.
Artist: But It’s Art.
Man: Sure, but it’s not coming with the house....
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Man vs Artist #25 (Fauna)
Man: I think we should get a puppy.
Artist: A dragon puppy?!
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Man vs Artist #24 (Flora)
Man: If you could be any kind of flower, what would you be?
Artist: Self-raising.
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Man vs Artist #23 (Notation)
Man: Did you take $10 out of wallet, Artist?
Artist: No, I would never steal from you.
Man: Are those my orthopedic shoes?
Artist: (silence)
a moment passes.
Artist: I guess they are. I stand Corrected.
Man: Bill Maher just used that joke on the last episode of Real Time.
Artist: Yeah well he gave this look that told me I could use it anytime.
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Man vs Artist #22 (Clouds)
Artist: What are you having for dinner tonight, Man?
Man: Frosting from the container. You?
Artist: Spray Can Fumes.
Man: You can’t be serious.
Artist: I feel like a fish tank.
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Man vs Artist #21 (Nonsense.)
Man:
Artist: What’s with the silence? I can’t work like this.
Man: You’ve been in such a mood the last few posts.
Artist: A mood? Excuse you?
Man: I just don’t see where you, as an artist, are enlightening me.
Artist: I don’t know if it’s you I’m aiming to enlighten.
Man: Well then, I guess I’ll just have to quit.
Artist: You can’t quit,...
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Man vs Artist #20 (Glass)
Man: I insist.
Artist: No, I insist.
Man: No Really…
Artist: No, Really.
Man: My wallets already out.
Artist: My cock is already out, I’m paying.
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Man vs Artist #19 (Next Please)
Artist: I’m thinking of doing a Painting of Ronald McDonald Microwaving his Uni Degree.
Man: *eating cheeseburger*
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Man vs Artist #18 (Replay)
Man: Man, how delicious are Mangos?
Artist: I’m Artist, You’re man. I am also a Mango.
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Man vs Artist #17 (See a Penny)
Man: Do you think God would get the “Chicken Crossed the Road” joke?
Artist: I think he’d get a huge kick out of it.
Man: Why’s that? Not many people actually see the humour in it.
Artist: Well, since he created the earth, and light and life, and has bore witness to the universe he created, which has terra- and cosmo-form itself from a swirling soup of heavenly debris,...
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Man vs Artist #16 (Gem)
Man: Atheism is the key to freedom.
Artist: Atheism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
Man: That’s what mark Twain said about Patriotism.
Artist: Yeah, its also what I’m saying about Atheism.
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Man vs Artist #15 (Supper)
Artist: Why are you an athiest?
Man: What kind of question is that?
Artist: Never mind, Judas.
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Man vs Artist #14 (Yah)
Man: Do you think we’re moving into a second renaissance?
Artist: My answer will always be yes to that question.
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Man vs Artist #13 (Luck)
Man: Have you ever know someone who talks about you behind your back?
Artist: that’s the only place i’m spoken about.
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Man vs Artist #12 (Satire)
Man: Dude, have you ever been given the silent treatment?
Artist: All the time. Usually by people who steal my belongings when they’ve been invited to a dinner party.
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Man vs Artist #11 (Legs)
Man: What do you want for dinner?
Artist: Efishency.
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Man vs Artist # 10 (Fundamentals)
Man: What Do You Thing is the Fundamental difference between a Man and a Woman?
Artist: Well, One of us has a Penis and one of us has a Vagina.
Man: Yeah but I think I mean more specifically, like what is the significance of Yin and Yang, y’know?
Artist: Well, Men have a predominantly external sex organ with a small percentage of it being internal, and Women have an internal sex organ....
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Man vs Artist #9 (Elementry)
Man: 2+2 = ?
Artist: 4. But five if you’re smart.
Man: Explain yourself.
Artist: I’m no good with math. All numbers are fine with me.
Man: Yeah but the smart thing…
Artist: Stop being a numericist.
Man: A What?
Artist: Not “A” what, man. As “many” whats as there needs to be.
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Man vs Artist # 8 (Straws)
Man: Dude, do you keep your receipts?
Artist: The last thing I bought was the sandwich that I’m eating now, before that it was that guitar in my loft. I kept the receipt for the guitar, but not for the sandwich, it didn’t come with a receipt.
Man: That’s weird.
Artist: Dude, have you ever bought a guitar?
Man: Yes!
Artist: Have you ever played it?
Man: Once, I learned Seven...
