Man vs Artist #97 (Heen Geggs Hand Am) (guest post: Weflo)
Man: Is it too much to ask for some service around here?
[looks around furiously, signals for waiter, fails]
Artist: Im thinking of changing seats with that fellow over there, do you think he’ll mind?
Man: Just a glass of water…
Artist: I’m going to switch with him as soon as he gets up to go to the loo. I don’t think he’ll mind.
[Man begins to wave arms in bird like fashion in an attempt to get service, fails, begins to pick at table items]
Man: This bread tastes like cardboard, its bloody horrible
Artist: That’s a coaster…. you see, the problem with my chair is that its back is too low and its too close to the ground, I can barely see over the top of the table. I can’t eat like this. I don’t think he’ll mind, he might not even notice.
[man butters coaster]
Man: much better.
Artist: what do you think?
Man: Definitely a coaster, albiet a very tasty coaster. Perhaps one of the tastiest.
Artist: No, about the chair, is it too low?
Man: Oh my… the waiter…
[they both look down to see the waiter buckling under the weight of the artist]
Artist: well, i certainly feel a fool… all this time…[ponders to himself]
Man: …unbelievable, just a simple glass of water, is it too much to ask?
[Artist picks up waiter, brushes him off, and promptly replaces him with another gentlemans chair]
Man vs Artist #96 (Redundancy check) (guest post: Weflo)
Man: I’ve always been afraid of going into a male public toilet, but i conquered that fear just 2 nights ago in Paris
Artist: I share the same fear, too many eyes, too much publicity.
Man: Well, I found it very interesting to say the least. Did you know in France all the men share long metal sinks that periodically spray water, and all the soap is bright blue and just floats about in the basin. Truly amazing, although I couldn’t imagine trying to wash my hands while everyone was watching.
Artist: You know, I’ve always thought you were very clumsy.
Man walks out of the bedroom and into the living room where Artist is holding an open book.
Man: What do you mean?
Artist: Well, I can only explain it via allegory. You’re so clumsy Ikea hire you to test how many times you can wrongly put together a piece of furnature before they classify humane ‘breaking point’
Man: Well… I never! You know what you’re so clumsy you…. Wha..
Man takes one step forward, and slips on Bob, who had transfigured into a banana milkshake, he lunges backwards, grabs onto the chord of the drapes, and does a sort of Tarzan swing to the other end of the room, where he rams into the bookshelf, which topples back and forth, knocking over a lamp and a table of tools and paint, and a canvas on an easel in the rocking, before finally jeering slowly backwards and smashing a window, as well as toppling out the very same window. Man is left on the floor with his shoulders to the carpet and his feet in the air. Covered in paint, and a Bananaesque, milky drink.
Artist: I’m … I’m so clumsy that I prove my own clumsiness during a retort of the clumsy argument?
Artist: I didn’t even know we had a bookshelf until it started moving.
Man: You know, the blog we started for your art and my ranting about groceries?
Artist: Oh yeah. Well, really then? How many hits do we have?
Man: Ummm… 7. But to be fair, I did check it 6 times last night.
Artist: Right. That one time was me, but I accidently clicked the wrong bookmark.
Man: right. Well, what should I post? you know, it being monumental and all.
Artist: How is 102 a monumental number? Would 100 have been a bit more… Suitable? More-so, significant? Besides, the numbered posts only go up to 91.
Man: Yeah, but there have been re-blogs and you know, promotion of other artists and grocery enthusiast. and, well, not really. I think that it was significant enough, as it was my post on it being asparagus season and It simply couldn’t wait.
Artist: What about post 101? That’s the number that like… is symbolic for the beginning of knowledge or something, you know?
Man: Yeah but your abstract expressionist portrait of the Kremlin was dry and it was an impulse post.
Artist: Right. Well, how did that one fare?
Man: Well, the blog community is indifferent. But it’s had a few dozen hits by someone with the screenname: @Kremlinking_Vlad.
The first and most vital thing to know about the boarding house is: The kitchen is a death trap. Have at least ten rehearsed excuses under your belt for the purpose of a quick getaway. Boarding houses tend to attract loners and lost souls, so unless you want to hear the…
Artist: Well, It’s like if one steals a loaf of bread. They do so, because they have no bread. But they desire bread. Have no means of preoccupying, procuring or producing any bread. So they steal bread.
Man: And is it as wrong as it was in ‘Aladdin’, to you?
Man and Artist sit down to watch ‘Body of Lies’ directed by Ridley Scott, Staring Leonardo DeCaprio (although this scenario is applicable to any movie staring the actor.)
Man: So you know, I said to her, you’re fantastic and everything, and the uniform is killer, but I….
Man pauses and stares at the screen as Leonardo is given screen time.
When the camera moves off Leonardo, the conversation continues;
Man: had to end the stint. We talk every now any then. But you can only ask a private school girl her age around 3 times, and forget, before you just can’t risk it anymore. She could have been 19, sure… But she also could have been….
Leonardo is seen walking through a desert. A silence overcomes the room.
Camera switches to Russel Crowe.
Man: … 16, and thats no place for a non-local to be playing poker in.
Artist: Yeha, I get it… but that uniform, man, it’s something of a coveted thing. Did she have…
Silence for moments.
Artist: … the wide brimmed hat and everything?
Man: She kept her cigarettes and spliffs in there.
Cut short by:
Leonardo infiltrating terrorist safehouse.
Artist: So that’s it then?
Man: Yeha, I suppose. Who knows. If we see each other again, there is only fate and his friend…
Leonardo is on screen. enough said.
Man: … chance to govern us.
Artist: Alright, great… I would have, and have, handled that situation far more efficiently and user friendly. But it’s going to have to wait, since… I wasn’t really listening, and will not be listening from this point onwards. Brain needs room for Leo.
Man: Art, there has been so many new editions to our life since we moved in. Boris is always coming over showing us slides from the old days, Brian- can’t get enough of eves dropping in on our conversations and Bob hasn’t left since the house party, but why would we want him to, amiright, bob?
Bob the Build Sphere consrtucts himself into a scale model of the golden Gate Bridge, then into a bowl of Jelly Beans which form the bust of woody Allen, then into a salami slicer, dispensing fantastic records by artists such as ‘Pet Sounds’, ‘Simon and Garfunkel’, ‘The Mars Volta’, ‘The Blow’, ‘Ella Fitzgerald’, ‘Pink Floyd’, ‘Bright Eyes Eps’, and ‘Photographers’ records which are extremely hard to track down as well as various other fantasticalities from the last 50 years of music.
Man and Artist both smile, showbiz style.
Bob continues to dispense hits, and transforms back into a sphere upon dispensing Pizza’s inside boxes printed with Beatles albums on them.
Artist: Yeah, but… Why do you bring it up now when I’m trying to drink my Doctor Pepper?
Man: Sometimes I wish we were sponsored.
Artist: What? you mean our lives?
Man: Yeah, kinda.
Artist: what do you mean, ‘kinda’? Even if we were sponsored every time we mentioned the deliciously smooth yet burning taste of ‘The Famous Grouse’ or the perfectibility of Jelly Belly jelly beans, Who’s gonna hear it. Better yet, who’s gonna reward us for indulging?
Man: Maybe not for that, but surely for breaking the 4th wall.
Artist: It really bugs me out when you start talking like that, Man. It’s bad enough we’re now living with an amorphous, non-dimensional object which can build and transform into anything we don’t even ask it to.